Grab a seat and some popcorn because I’m coming for a special group of stupid hypocritical people I like to call “Christians” losers. I’m giving you fair warning to the emotionally sensitive folks out there that this isn’t a coddling post. Call me the equal opportunity hater because there is an ass-clown in every group that manages to make everyone look bad. To make things simple I’m going to break down the categories of Christians who grind my gears.

Christian Debbie Downers

Christian Debbie Downers are pretty harmless but extremely obnoxious. Usually they go to Facebook and twitter to rain on everyone’s parade about some popular show or event. These people really aren’t about saving souls. They are lazy arm-chair Christians and the most evangelizing they do is from the comfort of their home computer.  I can’t lie, back in the day I had my Christian Debbie Downer moments. I would go on my holy rants about society and how we are all hell bound for enjoying entertainment. I thought I was so deep and profound (I wasn’t). I finally grew up and discovered something called “balance.” There are so many socially awkward Christians who can’t relate or speak like a normal person because they are so busy with their head in the sky acting like they walk on water. The irony is that Debbie Downers know more about the shows they criticize more than everyone else!

Debbie Downer Christians are the type of people who make silly comments like “I wish people were this excited about Jesus like they are about Game of Thrones” or “I wish people scheduled church like they do Scandal.” Really? Talk about PRESSED. Of all the things you can say, that’s what you thought of genius? You are so profound and wise. NOT! My thoughts are if these Christians are so concerned, why not offer to help someone in need or go evangelize if they feel so passionate about saving souls. Go visit your sick grandfather that hasn’t heard from you in ages. Can I keep it real? The irony is that these people are not shining examples within their communities. Their personal lives are usually a hot mess which brings me to…

Christian Ex-Whore/Slut  

My favorite sub-category of Christians is the ex-whore. I love this group of people because despite their spiritual cum-stains they manage to become part of the church élite.   These are the chicks that turned tricks for designer purses and probably have a few abortions under her belt. Don’t forget the litter of bastard children from different fathers running around or the married man who seduced her. Oh yeah they rarely take responsibility for their actions. It’s always someone else’s fault. These chicks might even have a porn tape floating around but lead a children’s ministry. Please don’t kiss my child; I don’t know where your mouth has been. Thank you very kindly.  These broads will shame a virgin and call her inexperience because her vagina doesn’t have platinum status air mileage on it. They share their battle stories and adventures on the hoe stroll thinking that makes them wise and spirit filled. Don’t forget the crying circle in the middle of the church.  I’m not trying to discount anyone’s testimony but come on people. Your bad choices in life don’t make you more special than someone who exercises good judgment from the beginning.

Don’t get me started on the male slut of this group. These guys are the king of hypocrites. He is the guy who got saved from birth but slept with tons of women and is an expert at quoting biblical scriptures. Mr. Man-Slut wants to marry a chaste woman but he is a contender in the Guinness Book of World records for having the most sexual partners. If he’s African-American, this male Christian slut probably belongs to a Black Greek Lettered Organization. These guys run “trains“ on Saturday and have church on Sunday followed by a bake sale  for their step show fundraiser. For some reason these people get an epiphany that they should become a pastor after they have slutted their way through life leaving emotional casualties, unwanted pregnancies, and STDs along the way. They believe in their hearts that God called them to lead the church. Forget what the bible says about qualifications of a leader. Nope they are exceptional, special, and arrogant. God forbid if you call out their bastardized version of scripture because then you might get to hear from the…

Judge not lest ye be judged crowd

Forgive me but I hate this group more than menstrual cramps and taxes.  If you could go through life without encountering one of these epic morons, you did well for yourself. God bless you because I haven’t been so privileged. In fact I’m banking on receiving comments from these fools but I’m ready for them.  They aren’t too bright upstairs. Everyone has to mentally prepare themselves for dealing with a judge not lest ye be judge fool because they manage to misinterpret scripture to justify their poor behavior. Guess what? Judging is part of the human condition. Everyone makes judgment calls. These people think that calling out evil is judging. Judge not lest be judge fools often stick their head in the sand when atrocities occurs under their noses. Pastor raping and molesting young children? No problem! Judge not lest ye be judged! Touch not my anointed and do my prophet no harm! First Lady stealing from the church? ONLY GAWD CAN JUDGE.  Pookie shot someone in the face? Pray for him. Only the Lawd can judge. Don’t offer valid criticism or feedback. Holding people accountable for their behavior makes you a Pharisee in their book.

The judge not lest ye be judged crowd are the main dysfunctional attraction in the church circus. Their lives are a hot mess. Judge not lest ye be judged Christians fail to realize that how you live matters. Perhaps crazy people in the church are a cautionary tale but if that’s the case they have no business in leadership positions. Even Fortune 500 companies have morality clauses. Why don’t churches? Oh wait, the bible does but judge not lest be judge fools like to ignore that part. I don’t care if your granddaddy was a pastor and your ancestors saw Jesus himself nailed on the cross and washed his feet, credibility matters!

Your personal conduct in public and private dictates character. Some church folks are downright embarrassing which is why society doesn’t take Christians seriously anymore. Back in the day people earned the right to call themselves Christians. They were a living testament to what God is able to do. Once upon a time everyone had a family member they could go to for wise counsel because they were on point! There was a certain level of respect given to these rare gems because they lived out their beliefs. Strangers and heathens alike  had enough respect not to curse or do anything out of line around these people. I’m not saying we are all perfect. None of us will ever be perfect but can people start taking responsibility for their behavior and attempt to change for the better? Don’t be one of these people…

The Devil Made me do it

You can mix the devil made me do it crowd with the judge not lest be judge folks. They are often full of it and blame some spiritual entity for the reason they make bad decisions or harm others. I went to a hard-core deliverance church. My grandma is Pentecostal. Those experiences taught me that we still have a choice. You have a choice to make the right decision. Blaming the “devil” is another excuse and keeps people from taking responsibility for their actions. If our destiny was left in the hands of some spiritual demon then what’s the point? There are good and evil influences in the world but we still can decide which path to take.  So these people can miss me with their excuses. The devil made me do it crowd is often coddled by the…

Ghetto Oracle-Prophet/Prophetess Holy Anointing from Eddie Long’s Booty Sweat Pseudo-Pastor Con Artist aka Spiritual Pimps

Where do I even begin with this group of awful human beings? The only thing missing from their ridiculous pagan inspired robes is a pimp hat and feather. We all know who the usual suspects are. I don’t even need to drop any names because certain people probably popped into your head at this very moment. These are the losers in life who find haven in some church where they create fake titles and attend some bootleg online divinity school to feel important.

Outside of the church spiritual pimps are pretty mediocre non-productive sacks of flesh. If some church coon introduces themselves as a prophet upon first meeting them RUN as fast as you can. A true prophet’s legitimacy will show through his or her actions. Prophets hold God’s people accountable and give warnings. I hate to say this but many self-proclaimed “prophets” are just frauds and con artist using manipulation to exploit others. They probably should have become derivatives traders instead but many of them barely passed grade school mathematics.

These failures love incorporating esoteric knowledge and Gnosticism into their “Christian” teachings when they don’t understand the basics of the bible. You can find this group of retards on conspiracy theory or Black Nationalist message boards. I laugh at some of the misinformation that’s posted as “hidden truth.” It’s highly entertaining. The Sheeple think the spiritual pimp is so profound and deep because they are ignorant and intellectually lazy to investigate.

These spiritual pimps exploit human weaknesses and turn reasonable people into mindless zombies. I know Harvard graduates who swear that pastors like Eddie Long are the second coming of Christ. That scares me deeply because these people are supposedly the élite. Eddie Longs of the world twist good doctrine and promote their self-indulgent lifestyles. Sheeple believe that they will receive favor in form of fame, wealth, and respect if they follow these pulpit pimps. You notice how spiritual pimps have their very own disciples who promote their master’s message and get more followers. It’s an elaborate spiritual Ponzi scheme if you ask me.

Instead of providing their followers with the tools to make better life decisions and have a positive impact on the world, they are more concerned with materialism. They want worshipers who are dependent and unable to think for themselves. They want money for another cupcake/fashion/music ministry. They treat God like some Genie in a bottle who grants wishes if you click your heels three times. Sow a seed and the LAWD will get you a house or Mercedes. How about teaching skills so these fools can get a job? What happened to balancing a budget and living within your means? Some issues in life are not that spiritual deep. It’s common sense. What a concept. Oh wait that requires discipline and delayed gratification.

Black churches collect BILLIONS of dollars, yet we are collectively improvised as a people. Why is that? The money isn’t circulating from those tithes. I finally understand why rational young men do not attend church. Most of them have enough sense to see through the bull. It’s these silly women that need to wake up. One of my friends once told me that churches are like emergency rooms but the problem is that some people don’t get to the root of their illness nor do they ever get better. Their wounds fester and they eventually die. For the record, I believe some amazing churches that still exist but they are becoming rare. Unfortunately I’ve seen and met enough of these characters to know that religious institutions are corrupt and quite frankly I’m wondering what the future holds for these places if more people wake up to the truth.